Unpacking Holiday Expectations: Lessons from Martha and Mary
Luke 10:38-42
The holidays can be tricky...
Statistically I think we all know this is true. Depression and anxiety go up during this time, but I've had plenty of holidays go sideways for all kinds of reasons.
Admitting this doesn't feel very Thanksgiving-y, or Christmas-y, or even all that Christian😬, but even as I'm writing this, I feel the temptation to let myself spin and be overwhelmed by all the things coming from all the directions and even from my own inner predispositions and expectations. Perhaps you can relate?
During the holidays, for me, at least, there's this sense of urgency surrounding my normal to-do list. I've gotta get certain things done before guests and the actual holiday happens.
Even the idea of wanting to be present and enjoy it feels a bit pressure-packed. The menu. The shopping. The house-prepping. The family dynamics.
There's a story in the Bible that speaks straight to my heart regarding this very thing.
The story is only 5 verses, slipped in at the end of Luke 10.
Martha and Mary are sisters, so it's a story about a family relationship. A family dynamic. And high-stakes meal prep is involved!
Jesus entered a certain village, and a woman named Martha received and welcomed Him into her house. (Luke 10:38)
Now. I'm not there, but from our perspective, it's easy to think--what a privilege! The Message version says she made Jesus feel quite at home.
Just wow.
I have to think Martha knew this as a "wow-moment", because if she didn't want to have Him there, she wouldn't have started so graciously. But it stopped feeling like a privilege pretty quickly.
"She had a sister named Mary, who seated herself at the Lord’s feet and was listening to His teaching." Luke 10:39
Those of us who know this story know the story.
We've been told:
Sit at the feet of Jesus like Mary!
But in reality, I relate more to Martha. I definitely learn more from her.
But Martha [overly occupied and too busy] was distracted with much serving; and she came up to Him and said,
Lord, is it nothing to You that my sister has left me to serve alone?
Tell her then to help me [to lend a hand and do her part along with me]! Luke 10:40
I heard this story completely wrong for a super long time.
It felt scold-y.
Be like Mary and sit at the feet of Jesus and then you won't be a stressed out hag like Martha!
If that resonates, I ask you to lay down any guilt or condemnation you might be feeling or have felt in the past. Even as I write this, I can feel it trying to crawl up in my own heart and mind. 😫😦✋🛑
But let's look at the actual Bible story again.
How did it start?
It started with Martha inviting Jesus into her home because she WANTED to serve Him.
I believe the cry of her heart is the same cry as most of our hearts–
Lord, use me! Let me be a blessing!
And He did!
So Martha's there, serving, but then things get a little hot in that kitchen, because Jesus DID travel with an entourage, and there was a lot to get done, and meanwhile, Mary isn't so much as lifting a finger and is in fact, chilling with the guest of honor and hanging on His every word.
I can just see Martha, thinking, "How nice for her."
And now, Martha's heart cry moves from, "Lord, use me!" to "Lord, I feel so used!"
So let's break this down and get some help for our own overworked, underapprecatied selves!
It says that Martha was "overly occupied and too busy."
(Thank goodness that could never be said of any of us!)
Being "overly occupied and too busy" is quite possibly true of all of us on a Tuesday in February, or a Monday in July, but it's so very extra when we start approaching the final two months of any given year.
It says she was distracted with much serving. Distracted from what? Or really from Who.
And then, Martha stops stewing and goes to Jesus to try to get things set straight:
She .... said, “Lord, do You not care that my sister has left me to serve alone? Then tell her to help me.” (Luke 10:40)
Ah.
Here's what it's really about.
The Bible says that out of the abundance of our hearts our mouths will speak. Yes, Martha is overly occupied and too busy, but the thought that's causing her so much pain–
She's decided that Jesus doesn't even care about her. Her sister doesn't. The other guests don't. Nobody cares, she's decided.
I suspect there's an entire monologue that she's built over time regarding how overlooked and under-valued she is.
How much of our collective and holiday pain comes from that very thought:
Does anyone even care about me?
Martha, surrounded by people, and with Jesus Himself sitting in her living room, is feeling unloved and rejected.
If you were Jesus, what would you do?
If you were Jesus, what would you say? How would you answer when she says, Don't you even care?
My knee-jerk reaction is this:
"Oh, Martha–of course I care. Don't be silly. I'm so sorry this is happening."
(That's not how He responds, of course, but He has more to respond to, because Martha has much more to say.)
"Do you not care that my sister has left me to serve alone?"
Okay, then. A heaping dose of comparison and blame: Mary's got it so good in there with You, Jesus. That's not fair. She's the golden child. I'm the loser one. I have to do everything. She gets away with everything.
Martha doesn't leave it there, though.
Lord–I have a solution for you. Here's what I'm gonna need you to do:
She tells Jesus to set her sister straight, and to get Mary to help her already!
Yipes.
But how often do we do the same:
Here's the problem, Lord, in case You haven't seen it properly. So-and-so does nothing. I do everything. Fix them, Lord.
If you were Jesus, what would you do?
Again. Pretend you were Jesus in this scenario. What would you have said?
I think it would be easy to apologize to Martha here.
"Oh, wow, Martha. You're right. I'm so sorry. Here I've been monopolizing everyone and you're having to get dinner all squared away all by yourself. Come on, everyone. A hand of applause for poor, overlooked Martha, and y'all go help her finish this up!"
That's not what Jesus says.
Jesus answered her,
"Martha, Martha, you are anxious and troubled about MANY THINGS.
(Okay. So it's not just about this one dinner here.)
But ONE THING is needed.
(Huh...I thought MANY is usually better than just ONE...but not always)
And Mary HAS CHOSEN THE GOOD PART which will not be taken from her."
If Mary could choose the good part, that means Martha could have as well.
So I leave you with some takeaways that will hopefully help put you (and me!) in the best possible headspace for the weeks ahead.
YOU GET TO CHOOSE
EXPECTATION edition
What is your expectation going into this season? You get to choose.
Misery? Weariness? Strife? Misunderstandings? Feeling alone and like no one cares about you? That people around you won't show up for you?
I challenge you to ask God to give you a better vision.
Ask Him to show you any unresolved feelings from past holidays. Think through who you will see, or won't see, and be super honest about what's in your heart and mind. Ask the Lord to help you let go of any unforgiveness and to make peace. Ask Him to impart His heart for you and your loved ones in your heart. Think through how you want to show up.
Repent (let go!) of blame, strife, fear, and lack.
(What I mean by lack here is thinking about what's missing and broken rather than looking and being grateful for what you DO have. A necessary reminder if ever there was one!)
YOU GET TO CHOOSE
GIVING edition
Martha started out in this story offering her home and hospitality to host Jesus and his disciples.
There's a big difference between what we give and what is taken from us.
At some point between verse 38 and verse 40, Martha went from "receiving and welcoming" to feeling as though what SHE HAD OFFERED WAS NOW BEING TAKEN FROM HER.
She became a victim.
Friend, I love hosting Thanksgiving, and having my people here for the holidays, but at some point, when you're washing the millionth dish, and standing over the boiling-over potato pot in the thousand-degree kitchen which is teeming with people who are starving and hovering and you're feeling the judgment from your husband and turkey maker because he's worried his turkey which he had ready on time is going to dry out waiting for your stuffing to be cooked through because you're NOT on time (ever, really)...
That's a little specific. Perhaps I'm working through my own expectations a little myself...
As I started...I love hosting Thanksgiving, but at some point, it's easy to make that same switch as Martha and start feeling like a victim.
We get to choose, but I find that it's much easier to make the correct choice if I've thought it through ahead of time, chosen my attitude, expectation and vision, and ALREADY decided that I'm there to serve. And to decide already that I trust that God will help me and honor what I'm offering and demonstrate His love to everyone present–including me!
Say this: I make my trust in You bigger than my concern about me. I make my body a living sacrifice. I offer my time, talent, service, heart, and lay them at your feet.
A few final thoughts:
I realize this is not your typical Thanksgiving/Holiday message.
But I'm a mindset coach at heart, and the Lord has used this very story of Mary and Martha SO many times to set my own heart right.
I also want to say–I am writing this in the context of large family gatherings and high-stakes events, and realize that for some of you, that isn't your context. Maybe instead of too many people, or too much, your life seems deafeningly silent and lonely. Martha gets that, God gets it, and so do I.
This PROCESS, though, I've used time and again and it works, regardless of the circumstances. It's one of the key elements of the BUILD mini-course, where we apply a lens to examine our expectations and re-frame our intentions on a weekly basis.
So, as a reminder.
🤔 Think through what you're expecting.
👀 Ask the Lord to give you a vision for the time to come.
🙇🏻♀️ Set your own intentions accordingly.
🎉🤷🏻♀️☺️ And do your best to have fun, laugh and roll with what comes!
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